The Podcast I Wish I Found Sooner
- julmmarshall
- Mar 8, 2021
- 5 min read
Over the past few months, podcasts have become my go to when I am working out or just relaxing (honestly any chance I can listen I am). Every day I try and get a little fresh air alone when my husband gets home. I do the same 3 mile loop, it’s my me time and I love the fresh air and the exercise and I ALWAYS listen to my podcasts. I found Coffee Convos Podcast in November. The hosts, Kail Lowry and Lindsie Chrisley could be (and should be) my friends in real life. When I say I relate to the things they talk about even though we all come from and live completely different lives, that is a understatement.
Every single episode I laugh, sometimes I have cried but most of the time I just feel heard, I feel a hell of a lot less alone. I love them so much I started from the beginning and I am bringing myself up to date (although I don’t miss a new episode every Thursday). That brings me to episode 92.
Episode 92 ” Sperm Donors, Motherhood Struggles & Postpartum” shares commentary from Jen Schwartz, The Medicated Mommy, who runs the account on Instagram @motherhoodunderstood. I wish I found this episode 28 months ago after my son was born because I needed it then. I guess in some ways I also needed it today even though things have been so much better. The episode focuses on postpartum anxiety and depression and how things can change so drastically with your mental health in the weeks and months following child birth.
As a new mom, I had heard about the baby blues. I never expected to go through the postpartum anxiety that I did and I never for one second thought my life would be as drastically changed as it was and still is. While Kail, Lindsie and Jen are all very different and have different backgrounds, they all share that they are moms and struggle in their own ways. As I listened to the episode I felt connected to every single one of them. I actually felt a weight being lifted the more I listened.
After my son was born I struggled with wanting more children, something that Jen talked about and I felt so connected to. My labor was traumatic which took a toll on what I always called my “prefect pregnancy”. Everything went so smooth for 9 months. My anxiety and panic had drastically subsided, my eating disorder had all but fallen off the face of the earth. Then after my labor, I spiraled so far away from who I once was I didn’t even recognize myself. That is when I started to think I could never go through this again, I would never have more children because I needed to focus on my health for my son I had.
On top of that I had started to develop severe anxiety, so debilitating I could barely leave my house at times and I had a horrible time being alone. The anxiety was so bad I would be dizzy, sweating, have a overwhelming feeling I was going to pass out. I was genuinely concerned I was going to have a heart attack, something i learned is very common with anxiety disorders. I reached out to my OB who told me I had the baby blues. I knew that wasn’t the case. This was so much more. I asked to be put on something and I was told to give myself more time, “more grace” some would say. While this wasn’t something I thought I should be doing, I also felt the she was a doctor and she knew what she was talking about (or so I thought & now I know how incredibly irresponsible it was for her to brush me off). I continued to read on what I was going through, eating healthy, getting fresh air, spending time outside. I was trying everything to take care of my health but nothing was working.
One day everything came to a head while on vacation (something I plan to talk about and share a lot more in future posts). I was so severely panicked I couldn’t leave my hotel room and we ended up flying home 3 days early because my mental health had taken such a bad turn. It truly was one of the worst times in my entire life. The fear I felt was something I couldn’t even put into words. The very next day I called my regular PCP and while still in a complete panic, tried my best to go over with her the past 9 months, I was begging her to help me. I didn’t even have to finish when she told me she would help. She got me medicated, she encouraged me to get a therapist (which while it took me a while to give into, it was one of the best decisions I have ever made to this day).
I was put on Zoloft and was able to continue breast-feeding (which I did until March 17, 2020). Looking back now, I would have and probably should have stopped breastfeeding to help me get my mental health back on track. I was proud to have made it as far as I did but now I wonder at what expense? Jen said during the episode that she had decided on having only one child in order to give him a healthy mother was of utmost importance to her and that resonated with me so much because I too had felt that way.
Now that I have more control over my anxiety and I know the signs to look for to know when I need more help, when I need more medication, my doctor, etc. I know (and I sure as hell hope) my postpartum with my second son will be different. I know the signs to looks for, my support system does too. I will always make sure that my sons have a healthy mom and I will always speak up when I know I am not feeling as I should.
Being a mom can be so hard. There are so many unknowns, so many things no one talks about, no one warns you about. It is so important to find the things that speak to you, that you can lean on and look to when things are hard or when you need help. Friends, family, a good doctor who prioritizes your mental health, who listens. Even finding this podcast, knowing I am not alone, that it is okay to struggle has been a game changer. Not only do I highly highly HIGHLY recommend listening to this episode if you have struggled even in the slightest with anything postpartum but also listening to the podcast because it is so relatable for young moms. I’m so happy to have found them and I hope you take a listen and feel the same way.
Take care of your mental health always, Jules
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