Jack Roy

I wish I had wrote more about my birth with Joseph so I could remember it better. As time goes on it becomes more of a blur, the negative parts sticking out the most because it was difficult. My birth experience with Jack was better in all the ways I had hoped it would be but far ore difficult in aspects I never dreamed of dealing with. The entire labor and delivery was night and day. The doctors, nurses and hospital staff were a dream to work with and his arrival is not one I will soon forget, although quick and unexpected.

I started writing down what was going on with my labor and delivery when I was admitted. What I didn’t know at the time was that those notes would soon turn into hourly tracking of Jacks progress in the NICU.

I was admitted at 37 +2. At my doctors appointment they heard a deceleration on the NST monitor and sent me to the hospital for more extensive monitoring. After 6 hours and 2 biophysical ultrasounds, they decided that I would be induced. A combination of polyhydramnios, unusual decelerations and only passing 1/2 ultrasounds did the trick and the benefits of being induced early outweighed the risks. I was excited and nervous but ready to meet my sweet Jack. After 2 full days of induction my water finally broke. An hour later we started pushing and after 5 pushes he was here. I was so excited that the laboring process was so much quicker and virtually painless when compared with my first. Jack was born August 19, 2021 at 10:59 PM weighing 5 lbs 6 oz 18.5 inches long.

After doing skin to skin and nursing Jack for the first time I decided to lay him down to rest so I could do the same. As I did, I noticed something was wrong with his color. He was a pale blue, dusky almost. I frantically called a nurse who called on a pediatric doctor. They quickly assessed him and determined he was struggling to breathe. They put him in a incubator and brought him to the NICU. My husband and I filed behind, me on shaky legs, my intense fear and anxiety carrying me forward when I thought my legs would soon give out. When we got there they had started to hook him up to oxygen. They ordered a chest x-ray, a echo and a blood culture. The hopes would these would rule out any major lung, heart or infections issues that they were concerned were making his breathing difficult. They also heard a slight heart murmur that they wanted to monitor and make sure it was nothing serious but instead a mechanical part of the heart that would normally be closed in a 40 week baby.

The blood test takes 48 hours, so in the interim they started him on 2 antibiotics to be proactive should there be an infection. His chest X-ray showed fluid in his lungs which could have been a combination of a few things: me having extra amniotic fluid (polyhydramnios), a short pushing time which meant the he didn’t spend enough time in the birth canal having the water removed from his lungs with the contractions and him being premature. The echocardiogram came back perfect. Thankfully they saw no problem with his heart. It was sent to Boston Childrens to be reviewed by a cardiologist and we let out a sigh of relief when they too confirmed all looked good. The murmur was gone a few hours later and determined it was in fact from the mechanical pump in the heart that closes with more advanced gestational age.

They wanted to have a IV set up giving him sugar because his blood sugar was low and he was  kept in a incubator to help keep his temperature up. After a few hours and a shift change, I asked the neonatologist if I could try skin to skin and breastfeeding, knowing how incredibly powerful these 2 things are. They agreed and I was finally able to hold Jack. They started to lower his oxygen levels down to “room level” which is what we breathe and over the course of the next 36 hours lowered his flow down from 3 to 0 liters. Once all of this was done they were able to remove the canula that was in his nose to help him breathe. Seeing him hooked up to the oxygen that was keeping his lungs open so the fluid could be released broke my heart. this wasn’t how I pictured our first days together. Maneuvering around monsters and wires that monitored his every breath.

Since he was breastfeeding, they started to check his blood sugar before each feed to see if the IV was still need and it was determined due to his rising numbers that he could come off the IV on Sunday. By Sunday morning we were being told it was looking like we were going home. A doctor then came to tell us that we in fact were not, that we still had to stay a few more days at least. This is because late Friday night Jack had had what they call a “spell” This is caused from the “a’s (apnea) and “b’s (bradycardia)”. This is when the heart rate dips too low causing the oxygen saturation levels to dip low. Term babies can regulate themselves but premature babies can’t and often need help to start breathing again, which Jack did. When this happens the baby must be able to go 5 days without another spell, something that constantly kept my heart racing as I sat and watched the numbers rise and fall all day.

Not only was I angry that no one told us about the initial spell, I was so anxious as to what this would mean for Jack going forward. if there was a underlying heart or lung issue that we were currently unaware of. I held my breath all day as I sat by his bed with him doing skin to skin and nursing him. I watched the numbers rise and fall. The beeping of the machines sending me into a tailspin wondering if this was another spell, if the numbers were too low. I asked every doctor and nurse at shift change what everything meant. I wanted to hear them all explain it to me. I wanted to know they were all on the same page. Every single one of them provided us with the comfort and information we needed to get us through our stay and I’m so thankful for the team hat took care of Jack. 

On Monday a EKG was ordered because Jack’s heart rate was very low and kept causing alerts on the machine, making me a constant anxiety ridden nervous wreck who never left the NICU and couldn’t stop crying for fear that he wouldn’t be okay. The EKG showed everything was great and that our strong boy just happened to have a very low resting heart rate (just like his mama!) and they (thankfully) lowered the threshold on the monitors to better cater to Jack’s specific thresholds. They stopped beeping and I started breathing.

The closer we got to his potential discharge date the more overwhelmed I became, constantly worried we would go backwards. It would rely on Jack and his body to determine when we would go home. The doctors had a time frame but ultimately Jack would determine if he was healthy enough. I had been away from Joseph for a week and had never been away from him got more than 1 night, two separate times. The pain from everything was all consuming. I felt like my heart was being broken apart into a million pieces. I always wondered how your heart could possibly expand with anymore love when you had 2 children. Now I was wondering how much pain the heart could take because I was truly heartbroken. Between being away from Joseph and the constant worrying about Jack, I was struggling as any mom would. 

I was discharged Sunday and was boarded on the Pediatric unit so I could be with Jack. I spent all day and night by his bedside, only leaving to nap for a hour or so at night and to eat dinner with my sweet Joseph, that truly helped to bring me some happiness in such a tough time. When i finally decided to leave the hospital to go see Joseph I wasn’t sure if it would make it worse or better. I would cry when I saw him and when I left but I truly think my heart needed it. He is the sweetest and seeing him brought me so much joy that I needed.

Finally, we were told his circ was scheduled as was his car seat test, both on the same day (Tuesday).  Any baby born below 2500 grams has to do a car seat test. They put you in your car seat and monitor your heart and oxygen for 90 minutes to make sure you’re able to withstand the position. This was a great sign and meant that he was closer to going home. It was finally starting to feel like I was going to leave with Jack and get home to Joseph. The last nights was one of the most terrifying. I knew we were so close and I was so incredibly scared for any bad news I spent most of the night crying. When I was back at my post in my chair by his bed for his 6 feeding and the nurses told me had a good night I knew we were finally in the clear.  

The doctor on the overnight shift told the new doctor whose morning shift was starting that the number one priority of the day was to get us home as soon as possible so we could be with both our sons. My heart instantly swelled and tears filled my eyes because though we were there for over a week, it felt like an eternity and I finally felt the relief I was longing for. I called my husband who raced back to the hospital from work and by 10 we were on our way home to finally get settled as a family of 4 and to have our boys meet for the first time. Looking back on the experience, as much as I wanted to leave I know that we were right where we needed to be because should Jack have needed any help, he was in the best place in the best care. I’m thankful that our experience was only a week because I know that so many people spend much more time but I was also incredibly grateful to get to go home.

It wasn’t the recovery I expected. I never relaxed, I barely sleep and was a constant ball of anxiety. I told my therapist in my last appointment when I was very pregnant and uncomfortable that I longed for the high of after labor when you’re with your new baby and you’re sitting in peace soaking in the moment. That moment was stolen pretty quickly by fear but when they said we were free to go it finally settled over me just the same, if not tenfold. We can’t thank the nurses and doctors enough who not only took care of Jack but us as well. They comforted us, explained everything in detail, kept us constantly updated but most importantly did everything to make sure Jack was okay and safe to come home. He had more tests than any newborn and that gave me comfort in bringing him home. I knew anything that could have been going on had been cleared by tests and that Jack’s health was in the bets position for him to be leaving. 

He had his first appointment with his doctor the day after we came home. I was so nervous leading up to it because I just wanted everything to be okay. She said his heart, oxygen and weight was great. He was back to birth eight. She said all things considered, he was doing amazing and was sure that he would continue on this path. Normally they would want us back in a week but because he had made so much progress, we are going back in a month which is normal procedure.

I’m not going to pretend that I wasn’t hyperaware of every movement, noise, etc that Jack made. I had been in a environment where every 3 hours his temperature was checked, he was hooked up to 5 monitors that were constantly sending information and tracking his progress. I was almost overwhelmed by not knowing what was going on when I got home. I thought I would be glad to get away from all the monitors but I was pretty scared now that I was on my own. I found myself googling everything. I bought a new owlet. I was always taking his temperature, watching his color, etc.

I realized I needed more than anything was to breathe and trust my mom instincts. Had Jack not been heavily monitored, I wouldn’t be so hyperaware of everything. I would think everything was normal baby behavior. I actually had to google normal baby sounds because I was so used to things not being normal. I returned the owlet. I knew in this particular case, the constant access to his stats would do me in. Jack’s doctor agreed and back to the store it went. She told me not to track his temperature.

To let go of all the monitoring I had been used to and watch him like I would Joseph, that I know him best and I would know if something wasn’t right. She also told me to trust that I wouldn’t have been sent home if he wasn’t in the best health to leave and that he received more tests than any newborn before leaving so I had the confirmation that internally everything is working in tip top shape which is something most parents don’t leave the hospital with. Any time I start feeling nervous and anxious I remind myself of this.I remind myself every day we move forward the less and less likely anything is to occur. After 5 days the chances are almost minuet so I know now we are safe. After everything, it is okay to acknowledge that I am a little more on edge, a little more nervous but as time goes on that will fade, it already has. I trust myself to know my son best. Jack has made so much progress and I couldn’t be happier with how far he has come.

Bringing Jack home was dream. Joseph meeting him was a even sweeter one. Being home with my boys is all I wanted and I am so filled with love and happiness my heart could burst. Jack is doing great. Joseph is an amazing big brother. We couldn’t be any happier. Or more grateful. Welcome home sweet Jack, we love you so much. Thank you for completing our family and filling our hearts to the brim with love. 

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