I Wasn’t Ready For It

I have to admit. I know people say all the time “You have no idea how hard it is to be a stay at home mom”. I never thought it was easy but I definitely was in for a shock when I took that leap myself. I wasn’t sure what to expect really. My main focus would be shifting from my job to taking care of our son full time. I knew it would be different, even difficult but I didn’t really KNOW, you know?

My therapist jokingly told me that honest mom friends are really hard to find. That other moms aren’t really your friends if they never share how hard it can be to stay home. I laugh thinking about that today because I always say I will always be honest when people ask. Just like anything else, no one talks about the bad times or the hard times. Everything is made to look easy, picture perfect. That just isn’t always the case. I think a lot of the comes from being so afraid to fail, to feel like you are coming up short in a role that you want nothing more than to succeed at. After all, I felt like I chose to be a mom and it was my responsibility to fulfill that roll, full time now.

Fast forward to July 2020. I was already dealing with a ton of anxiety at the time because of other factors in my life, so staying home was truly a blessing in every way. At first it was a great transition and everything was going great. I felt every single day that I was right where I needed to be and was so happy. That is, until my son broke his leg. The next two months were so hard. It made the transition a lot harder and a lot lonelier than I could have expected. Not only were we unable to partake in play dates because of the pandemic but now we were unable to pretty much leave the house at all. I felt like every day was the new worst day of my life because seeing my son in a almost full body cast quite literally tore me to pieces. We couldn’t really get out for a change of scenery, hardly even for a drive in the beginning because of how big the cast was and how hard it was for me to maneuver him alone. The fear that I would move the wrong way and hurt him more or that he was going to be uncomfortable or in pain was almost debilitating. I just felt safer not leaving for a while.

As he transitioned out of his cast in mid September (thank you God) I started to have a exceptionally hard time with my anxiety. I had just come off my birth control because we believed it was a huge contributing factor. I was changing my medication to find something that made me a heck a lot less anxious but still gave me the will to get up every day, something I really struggle with when my depression seems to creep in. My son was learning how to walk all over again and I was trying to not have a break down every day. I was so overwhelmed. The guilt from him getting hurt and the panic of it happening again made me crazy. I followed him around like a nervous wreck 24/7. I never let anyone else watch him or take him anywhere without me. I never got a break, I couldn’t bare to leave his side.

This eventually turned into a lot of self isolation. We spent a ton of time at home because I could control what happened at home and I couldn’t once we left our safe place. We would go for walks, play in the yard and sometimes even the zoo on a good day. The problem is it would take me days to convince myself something was safe to do and it could only be with me. Even still I clutched onto the medication in my purse begging myself to breathe through the panic. I needed to get out of the house for the sake of my son. We didn’t really start going to playgrounds, safe playdates or small day adventures until recently. After a long winter alone, after a lot of therapy. After a lot of time spent being open and honest with how I was feeling.

Every mom goes through different things during their transition into a stay at home mom. Mine might have been a bit more drastic because of my sons injury but that didn’t undermine to me how quickly my life changed. I had little to no adult interaction. I no longer had a outlet, something else for me to put my time into, the time to step away and have another life outside of the home. While I don’t regret it for a second I do wish I was more prepared. I wish I had the support of other moms, to lean on to talk to.

I never knew about the loneliness I would feel even though I was fortunate to spend every day with my best friend, my whole world. Or how even though I spent the entire day with someone I sometimes wanted to just physically be alone, to be able to sit and think about nothing for just a moment of time. To not spend the entire day wondering if I am doing enough, teaching enough, being enough for my son. To not be overwhelmed by mom guilt and anxiety for just a second.

I didn’t talk about it for a while. Most people in my life couldn’t relate and they certainly weren’t asking how I was doing anyways. I didn’t want to be told I should be grateful that I’m able to stay home for simply being open. I am grateful. Everyday. It is quite literally the first thing I think of every single morning when I sit down to have breakfast with my son. I don’t need any help feeling more guilt about my feelings and emotions than I already do. Add it to the list of reasons that I keep things to myself. Something I’m constantly working on. Incredibly thankful that this platform has given me the ability to do so.

Feeling lonely doesn’t mean you aren’t doing the right thing or that you aren’t right where you belong. Or that you are being ungrateful. You can be lonely and still be a good mom. The very mom that your children need to grow into amazing little humans. Being a good mom involves quite a bit of honesty, it sometimes requires you to take a break. It doesn’t make you less worthy, it makes you the best mom. Being lonely is normal. It’s okay to be lonely, I am too.

Choose honesty always, Jules

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